Real People Deserve to Be Treated Real

I keep seeing this time and time again, and I need to bring it up.  Many different people meet on dating sites all the time.  I understand it is easy to feel you are not a real part of the lives of anyone you meet online.  After all, you don't even know if people are being real on these sites.  It is pretty normal to ignore the emails or messages of others if you are not interested.  People come and people go.

However, what I can't understand is why people treat those they've met in person the same way.  There have been several men I've dated a number of times, spent plenty of quality time with, talked on the phone, etc.  When they get bored or annoyed with me, instead of telling me like a mature adult they've lost interest, they instead just stop talking to me.  OK, that is not normal!

If you've been in someone's life for weeks or months, and been on several or more actual dates, you owe that person a phone call or at least an email stating you are no longer interested.  That is what adults do.  Just because you met online does not mean the relationship isn't "real" in some way.  Maybe you were not too serious with that person, but if you've stayed overnight, especially if it happened a number of times, be an adult.  You can explain that you've moved on, want to see other people, give the "it's not you, it's me" speech, etc.  That is what grown ups do!

I am tired of people having no etiquette whatsoever anymore.  If you have been dating someone, no matter how you met, you owe it to that person to break up with them.  Even if it is only an email... that is a lot better than never calling or talking to that person again.  I know it is hard to do, but that is real life... sometimes we have to do icky things.  It is called being an adult.  If you can't handle it, then don't date.  There are a lot of people out there that need some manners!

Maybe You Are Just Not Ready to Date

So this seems to be a reoccuring problem on dating sites.... people who are not ready to date, but yet they are on dating sites.  Now mind you, perhaps there are plenty of people that do not realize they are not ready to date yet.  Maybe they are on dating sites with the best of intentions believing they are OK to date, but they just are not.

Some examples of people who are not ready to date:

• People who are about to go into rehab.
• People who need to go to rehab.
• People that are about to go to jail.
• People who just got out of jail.
• People who just went through a bad breakup.
• People who are still obsessed with an ex.
• People who hate everyone because of an ex.
• People that are currently unemployed and looking for work.
• People living with their parents because they have nowhere else to go.

Now I realize the last two examples might anger some people.  They might think just because they are unemployed or live with their parents, they are not undateable.  Sorry.  You need to rethink that situation. 

If you are looking for a job, you need to seriously focus on that.  I know dating sites take up a lot of time.  You know what you could be doing instead?  Applying for jobs!  I realize you might have some free time now that you are unemployed to look for love, but you really need to focus on other priorities.  Instead of paying for dinners, you should be saving your money in case you don't find a job for a while.

If you live with your parents, you need to consider moving out.  If you are living with your parents only because you are out of work, trust me, you have my sympathy.  You are not a bad person at all.  I am sure you are a wonderful person.  However, you need to seriously focus on other issues in your life.

I am in no way saying any of those examples above make you undateable forever.  You need to work on your issues so you have a lot to offer another person.  No one wants to step into your life that is full of problems and drama.  If you do find someone like that, chances are, it is because that person thrives on drama.  Is that really who you want to date?  Probably not.  So just hold off, get your life together, and then look for someone on a dating site.  Trust me, you will find better people to date.

Reading All About "Getting Naked"

I was a big fan of the book, "He's Just Not That Into You" when that was the biggest thing going.  I truly feel like that book changed my life.  I stopped making excuses for people that did not want to be with me.  I accepted it and moved on.  Not only did it help me with men, it helped me with my relationships with others.

Now I keep hearing about a different book called, "Getting Naked: Five Steps to Finding the Love of Your Life."  The book is by Harlan Cohen and I decided I should read it.  I bought it last week and have been reading it for a few days now.

Although I do not find this book as interesting as "He's Just Not That Into You," I feel like this book would be very valuable for certain people.  Some people feel like they just have to be in a relationship at all times.  Other people have really low self-esteem when it comes to dating.  I believe this book would be excellent for those folks.

For me, I am always pretty honest with guys when dating them.  I also firmly believe there are plenty of men out there that would want to date me.  Since these are the things the book teaches you, I don't know that I am getting a lot out of it, but it is still a decent book.  I do feel like the author repeats himself a lot, but I do know that is one way to get your message to sink in.  For some people that have a hard time accepting the points this book is trying to make, it could be a good way of forcing them to face the truth.

If you are not always that honest with those you are dating, perhaps you should read this book.  If you are stuck in a relationship and you are unhappy, you should read this book.  If you haven't had a date since 1983, you should read this book.  It will certainly help a lot of daters out there, so I do recommend, "Getting Naked" for those that need some dating advice.

Lots of Weirdness

I totally thought after quitting online dating, some things would go back to normal.  Sure, I was still communicating with guys from dating sites, but I had assumed I had weeded out the weirdest guys.  I am not so sure now though.  I am starting to question whether I should date anyone at all.

I am quite confused about how men date now.  My friends and I have had these conversations.  Men will say they want nothing serious, yet act differently while dating you.  Guys, if you are sincere about "casual dating," then don't ask really personal "getting to know you" kind of questions.  If you are keeping it simple, really keep it simple.  Don't ask about my parents and meeting them, or ask my friend about her son and personal questions.  If you don't want something serious, don't send signs you are getting serious.  It confuses women!

Not to mention, I have had some strange encounters lately.  Everything from creepy guys hitting on me while I am out, random dudes yelling at me while I walk down the street, and some odd dates.  I thought the creepiness would end once I quit the sites.  It turns out, men are always going to be creepy.  I guess I am learning that the hard way. 

Reasons Why I Quit

I am officially not using any dating sites at the present time.  I had shut down OKCupid recently, but I completely snapped this morning and pulled the plug on Plenty of Fish, too.  I just could not take the ridiculousness of the site anymore.

I came to the realization last night that I was going to all new lows as far as online dating goes.  I realized all of sudden that I was communicating with men I would have never given the time of day just a few months ago.  It is always good to explore and expand your horizons, but there is a such thing as hitting rock bottom.  Last night, I determined I was there.

Some of the guys I've been considering dating lately are men I know are completely wrong for me.  I have even been out with some of these guys.  I am talking about men living with their parents and not necessarily even working.  One guy was even living with his mother and out on parole.  Really?  Is there where my dating life is now? 

I realize I had a major setback recently and allowed myself to actually care about someone.  In return, he basically stopped talking to me and has no interest in me any longer.  That is what I get for caring.  I think I was hurt and tried to fill the emptiness with creepy guys that I knew were not my type.  But all of that is over.

As of this morning, no more dating websites for a while.  It will be nice to focus on my blogs and articles again anyway.  Don't worry though... I will still update this blog from time to time since I still have a surplus of wacky stories to share.  Also, some of my friends are still using dating sites, so I am sure I will have their stories to share as well.  The dating wackiness never ends!

How Much Is Too Much For a Date?

Recently, this topic has come up quite a bit in a number of discussions.  I've talked to friends, as well as a guy I am dating, about the "right price" to spend on a date.  It seems like everyone has their own opinion and there isn't one right answer.

I would like to consider myself a very modern woman and a feminist.  However, I still think some things are traditional for dates.  If a man asks me out, I typically expect him to pay for the date.  If I were to ask a guy out, I would not necessarily expect him to pay, although sometimes men still insist.  After a couple of dates, I am OK shelling out money for dates here and there.  It is fine to go dutch or I am even happy to pay for the whole date depending on the situation.  For the first date, I still think the guy should pay.

With that said, this has become rather a hot topic.  If a man asks you out and you go on the date, how much is too much to spend?  I am purposely really understanding with the matter.  Most guys insist on paying, and if we are going out for coffee, I wait to see if I get a vibe on what I should get.  I went out with a guy once that threw a fit because he wasn't allowed to use a coupon and then he only ordered black coffee for himself.  In that situation, I just went with tea since it seemed like a $1.50 all he was willing to spend.  I also purposely order a relatively cheap meal if a guy takes me out to dinner.  Soup and salad is usually around $10 depending on where you go, and that seems about right. 

Of course, this is just what I do considering this is a terrible economy and it is only a first or second date.  I've had guys insist I order a particular item, such as a crab cake, if I've indicated an interest that particular meal in an earlier conversation.  In that case, if he insists, I will go for it.  However, there are women out there ordering items like crab cakes or steak without a care in the world.  I understand that is supposed to be socially acceptable, but I think it is weird.  I've also heard stories from women that feel like a man should really step it up and take them out to a nice restaurant for a first date.  Really?  I am just happy if my date doesn't want to go to Taco Bell.

So I am basically wondering what is the norm now.  Am I the only one ordering cheap food or going on first dates to get coffee?  Hmmm.  I wonder what is the standard.  I suppose there isn't any.  No wonder some guys are scared to ask a woman out.  He might be spending half his paycheck on a date and who can afford that now?  Bummer.  Maybe I should add "I am happy if you spend less than $10 on the first date," to my profile.  That might just help things.

Still want to read more online dating stuff?  Check out:

How to Fail at Online Dating.... for Men

How to Fail at Online Dating.... for Women

Stuff You Probably Shouldn't Say on a First Date

The Absence of the Mutual Friend Hinders Online Dating

I've been thinking a lot about this lately... the absence of the mutual friend and how that hinders online dating to some degree.  Let me explain what I mean.

Back in the day, when I used to meet significant others at school, college, work, or mutual friends, it was easier in some ways.  First of all, there was usually a period of time of being "just friends" without any real expectations.  You could really get to know that person.  Second, there were friends to vouch for that person.  Friends could let you know embarrassing stories and any dirt on that person.  You could trust the person you were dating more because of all the mutual friends the two of you had together.

Most of all, I feel the absence of the mutual friends hinders relationships in a very major way... there is no one around giving advice to either of the two people in the relationship.  Don't get me wrong, I know grown adults should be able to get together and communicate effectly without anyone else's assistance.  Now... back to reality... mutual friends really help in a new relationship.

For example, when two people first start dating, it is sometimes hard to determine how either party feels.  When a mutual friend steps in, one person can express how he or she feels and then that message is relayed to the other party through the mutual friend.  Immature?  Sure, of course.  However, it really helps having the mutual friend "grease the wheels" a little.

Another example is how sometimes people just can't take a hint.  And by "people," I really mean men.  Sometimes I throw out plenty of hints about a nice restaurant I'd like to go to or that flowers would be a nice gift.  Does this get me anywhere?  Of course not.  With a mutual friend, I could tell her and then she would tell the guy, "You idiot!  Just give her some flowers and everything will be fine!"  Sometimes people just need an extra push.  That is why the mutual friend is so helpful.

Of course, one could argue I've gotten better at being blunt and just flat out telling guys what I need.  I've learned in online dating that hints won't get you anywhere.  I suppose on some level it helps communication, but I can't help but wonder how many potential relationships never went anywhere because the couple never had mutual friends.  Some people simply never learn to stop dropping hints and get brutally honest.  It can also be very awkward. Sadly, there are probably many couples that will never be in a serious relationship due to a lack of communication and the absence of the mutual friend. It is sad but true!

For more online dating fun, check out:

Polite Ways to End an Awkward Date

Online Dating: You Can't Argue Your Way Out of Rejection

Online Dating: Your Profile Pic is Creeping Me Out!